Seven Reasons Everyone Wants To See Lindsay Lohan As Ana in Fifty Shades of Grey

Over the last six or eight months, the ballyhoo over "Fifty Shades of Grey" the book has mostly quieted down. It's been replaced by ballyhoo over casting for the Fifty Shades of Grey movie. In fact, the ballyhoo started off full steam last summer and has hardly lost a beat all the way the present.

I have studiously, perhaps stupidly, ignored these stories (except for my April Fools post) since it was all baseless speculation. You can tell it's baseless speculation because practically every actor and actress in the United States and Europe has been put forth as a likely lead for the movie.

But I have finally encountered a speculation I can't resist: this report that Lindsay Lohan may be, or perhaps should be, interested in being the female lead for Fifty Shades of Grey. And the reason I can't resist it is there are SO many reasons for wanting Lindsay Lohan to be the lead.

Seven Reasons Everyone Wants To See Lindsay Lohan As Ana in Fifty Shades of Grey

1) From the viewpoint of the producers, actors, etc., involved in the movie, if it's a bomb, they can just blame it on Lindsay. At this point, who wouldn't believe it?

2) With all the drugs she's done and all she's gone through, she's probably be willing to do ANY kind of scene, we're talking right up to and including a full double-dildo Savage Fold with flaming dachshunds and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

3) She's probably ENJOY doing such scenes, and her enjoyment would probably show through and make the role work for her.

4) Even if you don't think she's hot and you hate her for all the weird stuff she's done, you STILL might want to see her in handcuffs and a ballgag with a butt plug up her ass.

5) If you DO think she's hot, you ALSO might want to see her in handcuffs and a ballgag with a butt plug up her ass.

6) If you hated the book and hate the very IDEA of the movie, you might just want her in the lead in the hopes that she'd fuck the movie up royally with some stupid new antic. The insurance premiums alone ...

7) Americans love comeback stories, and dammit, a comeback story with Lindsay Lohan triumphing in a role that has her tied up and fucked senseless is JUST what this country needs, dammit!

Domestic Bondage On SMBC Theater

First published on 2/17/2013

A Youtube channel called SMBC Theater has come up with an actually funny bit about sexual bondage play. They called it 50 Shades of Domestic Gray but I think that's just to attract visitors, the skit actually has little or nothing to do with the book Fifty Shades of Grey. Point is: it's actually funny. Lighthearted and fun. Enjoy!

GQ Fifty Shades of Grey Inspired Photo Spread Features Actual Bondage ... Of A Woman!

First published on 2/6/2013

The flying monkeys brought in news that GQ Magazine's Spanish edition has a hot "Fifty Shades of Grey"-inspired photo spread. I checked it out dutifully, certain I'd see no bondage at all, or a dude in bondage. Because that's fashion bondage for ya. So my eyeballs bugged out a little when the photos included SEVERAL images of a couple with the WOMAN in chains, cuffs, etc. And blindfolded, of course. Good lord, has Fifty Shades become such a powerful media force that even the dunderheads who do fashion photo shoots are starting to get it?

Hmm. This could be an outlier. I'm having trouble giving up the notion that fashion is run by idiots. I'll wait for further evidence. Yeah ... it's gotta be an outlier.

Warning Tremors

First published on 1/9/2013

Found an article on Alternet wondering when BDSM became so wildly popular. The interesting element of the article was its date: it was published in June 2010, well before the advent of "Fifty Shades of Grey."

The people at Alternet definitely showed some prescience in running such an article just ahead of Fifty Shades of Grey, clearly someone at the progressive site was feeling the advance tremors of the cultural volcano that is Fifty Shades of Grey.

The tremors were as nothing to the explosion, of course. What the article cites is things like the success of Kink.com and kink no longer being considered a mental illness and Christina Aguilera's kinky outfits she wore in music video, and Aguilera's predecessor, Madonna with her Sex book back in the 80s (which if I recall, was a bomb).

All in all it is weak beer compared to Fifty Shades of Grey, the equivalent of the filler material my flying monkeys brought in for posts to jam in between the tons of stuff they brought in about Fifty Shades this summer -- only scattered over a couple of decades instead of a few months, because there just wasn't that much going on in the mainstream wrt BDSM.

When you got the top three books on the New York Times bestseller list containing a story of bondage, dominance and spanking, fifty million copies sold mostly to soccer moms, and James Deen (see above) an idol of teenaged girls in America, well you are in a WHOLE DIFFERENT BALLPARK. But to be fair, Alternet's contributors knew SOMETHING was up, more than you could say about a lot of the mainstream media.

Of course, some people, such as me, were feeling the tremors six years ago. What can I say? Prescient!

Celebrity Bondage Safety Tips

First published on 12/2/2012

The Celebrity Cafe, a big fan of Fifty Shades of Grey, or at least publishing posts about it, is doing what is very much the right thing by publishing a set of celebrity bondage safety tips by practicing submissive and erotica author Joey Hill. We're passing the tips along to you. A lot of the imagery of bondage you'll find online is very complex tie ups by the folks like those at Kink.com. They know what they are doing, both tier-uppers and tie-ees, so don't try this stuff at home unless you've had some training. Emergency room visits will suck the fun right out of any bondage session.

The other reason we're posting about it is, more evidence of a sea-change brought about by Fifty Shades, when a blog entitled "The Celebrity Cafe" is publishing BDSM safety tips. How long before we have celebrities giving bondage safety tips? Oh, about as long as it takes for the Fifty Shades of Grey movie to hit the theaters, and the cast to be doing publicity tours. Will they be as good as Hill's? Doubtful in the extreme.

By the way, the post's opening line is worth quoting:

There is a growing interest in bondage in the bedroom, and many of my readers are giving it a try in an effort to spice up their sex lives. It’s fun and feels a little bit dangerous, like a roller coaster, right? But you know why a roller coaster is so thrilling? Because deep down you – the rider – know you’re safe, and the designer and operator intend to keep you that way from beginning to end.

Good BDSM practices are the same.

Marie Claire: Mainstream Media Continues To Just Not Get Fifty Shades of Grey

First published on 9/20/2012

The Autralian edition of Marie Claire Magazine's website is asking, "Has Kinky Gone Mainstream?" referring of course to the way 50 Shades of Gray has steamrollered its way into public consciousness via selling 50 million copies.

They ask in that lame, timid way that mainstream magazine articles typically do, "Has kink become mainstream?" Then they refer to a few experts, quote a few random people they know, and go on to draw some safe-sounding conclusions about not following the crowd and doing kinky stuff just because that's what's fashionable, and instead exploring what YOU want to do (or not do) is the key to have a fulfilling sex life. The painfully obvious disguised as wisdom.

And when they are not engaging in a festival of "Duh!" they are getting it wrong:

But is this anything new? “Nobody is reinventing anything. It’s all been done but differently,” says Dr Morrissey. “Think the Marquis de Sade’s The 120 Days Of Sodom written in 1785, Pauline Réage’s Story Of O in 1954, right through to Nancy’s Friday’s My Secret Garden: Women’s Sexual Fantasies in 1973. What’s revolutionary is the fact that it’s so public.

No, that's not what's so revolutionary about 50 Shades. It's the fact that it's MOMMY porn, not Daddy porn. It's a demographic that has never been associated with porn of any kind, and now they're going for kinky sex. THAT'S revolutionary! If GUYS had taken up some porny book big-time, if them mainstream even noticed, they would dislike it, thinking "Horny guys getting kinky, can't be a good thing."

But since it's mommies it IS revolutionary, which is why Marie Claire's staff have no idea how to respond to it, and really don't "get" it. Really revolutionary stuff has a way of being hard to figure out.

50 Shades of Gray: The Media Silliness Just Keeps on Happening

First published 5/14/2012

I'm TRYING to ignore the media tsunami that is "50 Shades of Gray" but it's hard, man. Really, really hard. And my flying monkeys brought me in a story on the Hollywood Reporter website that I just can't resist. It has the worst headline EVAH! It reads: "Fifty Shades of Grey Rides Hollywood's S&M Wave."

The story is about two new TV shows that will feature kink: the series "Whipped," to be aired on the FX Channel, is based on the book "I Was A Teenage Dominatrix." The series "The Box," now being considered by Showtime, is based on the real-life experience of "the famous Mistress Raven." (I've never heard of Mistress Raven, but then, I don't watch much HBO outside Game of Thrones.)

There are so many things wrong here. The headline has it exactly, totally wrong. "50 Shades of Gray" is the wave, these two series that I have never heard of outside this article are tiny bits of flotsam being carried along by the "50 Shades of Gray" tsunami, which continues to swamp my flying monkeys no matter where I send them (i.e., no matter what search terms I use for my Google news agents.) There IS no "Hollywood S&M wave" there's just "50 Shades of Gray" tearing it up everywhere it goes, and a lot of people trying to catch that wave.

But it's not just the headline. It's the tone deafness of the story. "50 Shades of Gray" is a story about a maledom/femsub relationship (and how Ana and Christian negotiate it into a more ordinary romantic relationship). But it's obvious these two stories are about femdom/malesub sex, and no indication it's about the personal relationships involved in that sex at all. It's as if someone said, "Hey we got a real popular book about a man and a woman who dig the hell out of vanilla sex with each other, so there's an obvious sex wave going on here, and let's ride it by making a TV series about two men who love doing vanilla sex with each other! Everybody will love it!"

See the problem? I'll grant you, gender preferences in terms of sex go a lot deeper than gender preferences in terms of dominance/submision, but it's still real damn important to a lot of people. Yet you see this REPEATEDLY: Hollywood types make no distinction between maledom/femsub and femdom/malesub, and try to emulate the success of maledom/femsub stories with femdom/malesub stories. It's freaking RETARDED! And, apparently, inevitable.

Finally, a large part of the success of "50 Shades of Gray" is the way the author portrays the relationship between, Christian and Ana changing and growing. I don't have ANY faith in these two series managing any such thing. Maybe I am just projecting the idiocy of the Hollywood Reporter onto the series ... but I doubt it.

And if you check out the comments on the article, I let the readers of the Hollywood Reporter know what I thought of their "story."